A lot of older people we interviewed said they could never be sure someone they were in a social group with was actually interested in a relationship, says Malta. Just because someone was single widowed or divorced or whatever didn’t mean they were actually flirting with you. They might just be being nice. At least online, you know everybody is there for the same reason. You don’t make a fool of yourself, they said. And if things weren’t right, you could let it go and just try again.
And any shame once attached to a match made in cyberspace seems to have dissipated (that said, few want their real names used for this story).
Over the last three years or so, we’ve experienced a 10 to 15 per cent growth in the over-50s market, says Dave Heysen, chief executive of RSVP. And a chunk of those are over 70. We generally see about 15,000 new active members join in Australia every month. Of that, you’re probably looking at about 40 per cent or more who would be over 50.
Dating sites such as Silver Singles and Elite Singles, eharmony, Over60sdatingonline and RSVP are targeting the romantic needs of the over 50s
Annie McCarthy and Warren Marsh met online. McCarthy spent most of her life working in the fashion and music industries, and it shows. When we meet in her enviably neat and stylish warehouse apartment in Surry Hills, she’s dressed in slim black pants, very cool boots, a black sweater and a spotted black scarf tied in some mysteriously clever way. An Elsa Peretti silver cuff gleams voguishly at her wrist. She’s funny and engaging and so perfectly co-ordinated with her monochrome furnishings, she could have stepped out of a brochure for ageing gracefully at home without resorting to Crocs.
I loved him and he was fabulous but he was so difficult, she says, offering me a chocolate digestive. He was always difficult and worse with the dementia. After he died, my girlfriend and I both said [about finding another man]: Never. Why would you ever want to live with anybody ever again?’
I had a very bad history with men. Shocking choices. All disastrous. I had enough money, so that wasn’t DateNiceUkrainian a problem, and I had a lot of friends. But after a while a friend said, Why don’t you try going on eHarmony?’ and I thought, Why not?’
Why not? Well, for one thing, it takes stamina. Old hands tell despairing tales of dead ends and exhausting test-dates in bars and cafes; of lies, letdowns and brush-offs; of spag and shag arrangements standing in for real connection; of masquerading married men who break hearts or women who insist on instant commitment or, at the very least, height. The list of potential disappointments is long.
As one woman tells me, anonymously: I’ve always taken the attitude, What have I got to lose by trying?’ But you can only go on those dating sites for certain periods because it’s so emotionally debilitating. I could only manage three to six months at a time. You are putting yourself on the line and sometimes getting rejected.
When her last partner died, about three years before she met Marsh, she was convinced she was finished with intimate relationships
And, as she found, the playing field is skewed. There are many more decent, highly educated women in my age group on there than there are men, so there’s a great deal of competition. And a lot of the men are very damaged, sad men.